SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
