Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
