it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
