i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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