Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize