The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
