I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
