Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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