I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize