a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
