I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
