Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
