I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
