I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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