I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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