Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
