wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
