I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
