I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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