does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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