I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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