Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize