someone threw a dead crab at me
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I believe in your delicious
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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