I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
