If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize