Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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