Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
