Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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