I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
