i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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