break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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