So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
