I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
