oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
