matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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