i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
cat food counts as protein by the way
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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