I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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