Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
