im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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