So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
