Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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