i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
