arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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