My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
