about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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