Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
