Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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