yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
