you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Randomize
