Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
