And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Is Oprah even human
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