so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
