omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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