I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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