I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
