I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
