I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize