im having a threesome with these popsicles
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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