the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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