Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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